Who Are You Really?

self Oct 25, 2017

teacher, a doctor, an office worker, or a stay at home mom.  We may have been told that we are fun, funny, a good listener, and kind.  We may have been told that we are cold, selfish, controlling, judgmental.  It runs the gamut.

Where did our sense of self come from?  Primarily from our thinking…a collection of thoughts about our selves.  Our thoughts about ourselves include who we think we are, and what other people tell us. We have developed an identity from our childhood experiences, our ideas from our parents and siblings and from our culture.

What we often fail to realize, is that who we think we are, actually begins when we are first figuring out the world around us, and how people in our world relate to us.  As a child, we don’t have an understanding of how the world works. The beginnings of our sense of who we are, and who we are not, start to take shape when we are about three or four years old.  That’s pretty scary when...

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Your Arguing Style…And What It Says

relationships Oct 25, 2017

If you want to have a healthy, loving relationship, take a look at the way you argue.  Studies show that the way you argue can be a predictor of whether your relationship will last. There are basically two destructive fighting styles:  yelling and screaming, or stonewalling, which is withdrawing emotionally.  

And it doesn’t stop there!  In a new study from UC/Berkeley and Northwestern, researchers were able to accurately predict what type of health problems couples would have based on their fighting styles.  The study found that shutting down emotionally was linked to muscle tension and stiffness, particularly in the back and neck, while patterns of angry outbursts were associated with a higher risk of cardiovascular problems like chest pain and high blood pressure.

So, how do you change the way you argue?  The key to changing the way that you fight is about interrupting where your mind automatically goes.  

When we are in an argument,...

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5 Steps To Stop Letting Fear Get In The Way Of Life

fear Oct 25, 2017

This past week in my “Dethroning Your Inner Critic” class, we discussed how fear stops us from living the lives that we truly want to live.

Marianne Williamson says, “Love is what we were born with.  Fear is what we learn.”

Fear stops everyone.  Imagine how many opportunities we miss when fear keeps us stuck, and stands in the way of what we most want.

Your Inner Critic, the voice in the mind that speaks to you all day, runs on fear.  This is the voice that tells you that you shouldn’t take risks, because you might fail; that you need to keep yourself safe and protected from the possibility of rejection, inadequacy, vulnerability; that you should not put yourself out there to the world, because what if the the world says “no?”.  This Inner Critic develops in childhood as an attempt to avoid painful feelings, protecting you from feeling hurt in any way. It might sound like, “you should…”, “why...

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Practicing Presence

living in the moment Oct 25, 2017

have devoted my life’s work to support people to live lives that they love.  I teach people how to investigate their lives and learn tools for them to be happy, to feel empowered, fulfilled and content.

By age 9, I was already aware that I was struggling to feel more comfortable in my own skin.  I had loving parents, close friends, and yet I struggled with feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and fear.   I suffered feelings of not belonging, and that I was not as well liked as I believed I should have been.

What I didn’t understand at the time, was that my mind was in a constant stream of endless thought.  Experts estimate that the mind thinks between 60,000 – 80,000 thoughts a day. That’s an average of 2,500 – 3,300 thoughts per hour. And these thoughts are automatic, habitually evaluating, judging, and categorizing everyone and everything we encounter.   Our automatic stream of thought is forever searching, but what...

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Extraordinary Relationships Over The Holidays

relationships Oct 25, 2017

It’s the holiday season, and stress and holidays often go hand in hand. Shopping, decorating, end of the year deadlines at work, and family planning can often leave us feeling impatient, cranky, and in some cases, downright depressed.  This added stress can often result in tension and conflict, old wounds can resurface, and relationships can breakdown.

In my relationship counseling practice, holiday seasons are my busiest time of the year.  Breakdowns abound with spouses, children, and extended family members.

Here are 4 ways to avoid the pitfalls and enhance your ability to have relationships that are loving and connected:

1.     Take Responsibility for the Quality of Your Relationship.  Most of us are conditioned to blame something or someone else for how we are feeling.  When relationships come under stress, we often want to fix or change something about another in order to feel better about ourselves, or blame someone else for causing the...

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Who Gives A F*@#K If You’re Scared?

self Oct 25, 2017

How would your life change if you actually learned to like yourself?

Even if you have what looks like a really great life: great family, friends, a good job, why is it that deep inside, you feel restless, as though something is missing?

Why is it that most of the time, you don’t feel the way you want about yourself or your life?  No matter how much it looks to the world like you are doing great, on the inside, you feel like shit.  You compare yourself to others, feel like you don’t measure up, beat yourself up, and you’re probably sick and tired of feeling like no matter what life looks like, this isn’t it!

Here’s how learning to like myself started for me:  I spent much of my adolescent and early adult life struggling to find inner peace.  On all fronts, I had a fantastic life.  I had loving parents, wonderful friends, good health, boyfriends, and a good job.  Why, then, did I frequently feel I was just not “good...

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Your Relationships Determine The Quality Of Your Life

relationships Oct 25, 2017

Ok, I will admit it.  I am addicted to healthy relationships.  When my relationships with my husband, kids, parents, and friends are all thriving, I am thriving.  And when any one of those relationships are out of whack, I am completely off center in my life.

I became a relationship expert because I truly believe that the quality of our lives is determined by the quality of our relationships.

But, what most people do not understand about their relationships, is that the quality of your relationships starts with your relationship with YOURSELF!

Of the thousands of clients I have worked with in my 20 years as a psychotherapist, there is one thing that every single one of them has in common when they are struggling in their relationships:  They’re all waiting for something “out there” to change in order to be happy in the relationship.  Regardless of whether:

  • They keep attracting the wrong people,
  • They’re unhappy with their spouse,
  • ...
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10 Seconds Can Change Your Life

self Oct 25, 2017

I don’t know about you, but when any one of my relationships in my life is out of whack, I am totally out of whack.

I have devoted my life’s work to figuring out how to consistently have thriving relationships.  I am not saying that my relationships are always perfect mind you, but I AM saying that my I don’t have ANY relationships that are consistently problematic.  That’s because because no matter how bad it gets, whether it’s with my husband of 20 years, one of my three kids, my amazing friends, or extended family, I am always aware of one thing:  what the voice in my mind is telling me about whatever is happening.

See, many years ago, through my ongoing inquiry into how to live my best life and be my best self, I discovered this amazing thing:

There is this voice in all of our mind that never shuts up.  It is constantly thinking:  worrying about how we’re doing in life, what’s going to happen in life, how others...

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Healing Your Body Image From The Inside-Out

body relationships Oct 25, 2017

I have devoted my professional career to teaching people how to have extraordinary relationships with themselves and the people whom they love.  My belief is that the quality of our lives begins with the quality of our relationships.  And really, where the quality of our relationships begin, is with the relationship we have with ourselves.

I am especially passionate about empowering women to value themselves and love who they are, by letting go of the limiting beliefs they might not even be aware of, which rob them of experiencing contentment, joy and peace in their lives.

In almost 20 years of private practice, and through workshops which I’ve led all over the country, I have taught thousands of people that it is the voice of our mind that speaks to us all day long that is responsible for most of our suffering.  It is the voice that tells us what we need to fix, to change, to improve, and where we are just not good enough.  I call this voice the Inner...

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Your Authentic Self: If I’m Not The Voice In My Mind, Who The [email protected]*Ck Am I?

life Oct 25, 2017

This is a question that has plagued philosophers and religious gurus for thousands of years.

We hear a lot of people ask, “What if the voice in my mind IS the real me?  What if it’s telling me the truth?  Shouldn’t I listen to it sometimes?” The short answer is that while it’s ok to listen to it, just don’t mistake it for your Authentic Self.

So, what the hell are we talking about when we say Your Authentic Self?  We mean this:  Your Authentic Self is who shows up when your Inner Critic is temporarily absent.  Whooaa…..it’s a little scary when you experience this for the first time.  We’re so used to this voice, that when it is silenced even momentarily, it feels like there’s nothing there.  But, when you let go, and just be….that’s when your authentic self shows up.  And, just as soon as you see it, it’s gone!  You are back to being swallowed by your Inner...

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