Why Does Orange Juice Come Out Of An Orange?

podcast Dec 10, 2019

Can't listen? Here's the transcript: 

I love the title for this podcast and if you keep listening you’ll know what I am talking about. Today, I want to talk about how you can change your experience of your whole life with your mind. I am living proof of that. 

I, like most people, used to spend a lot of my mental energy focusing on the areas of my life that didn’t quite match the way that I wanted them to. I remember spending a lot of time growing up focusing on what I wanted to be different about my grades in school or my social life. I got decent grades and I had a great group of friends, but I was way more focused on why my grades weren’t better or why I wasn’t more popular.  This kind of thinking continued throughout my younger life.

No matter how good things were, there was always an underlying discontentment to my life. And this continued when I got married and became a mom. I spent a lot of my early adulthood focused on why I didn’t have more clients, or why my kids fought so much, or how my husband needed to be more communicative.  There was a lot of energy on the things that didn’t match my ideal picture.

Now this way of looking at my life was completely automatic to me. I didn’t even know that I was doing it. In fact, looking back, I thought that is how you make your life better and better, by focusing on the parts that weren’t ideal and then trying to make them ideal.  

Your primary relationship is the one you have with yourself.  So the thoughts you have about other people or your circumstances, you also have thoughts about yourself.  Those thoughts create the relationship you have with yourself.

If you squeeze an orange, orange juice always comes out of the orange.  It doesn’t matter if your kid squeezes it, or your boss, or your mom or your spouse, or your neighbor. Orange juice always comes out because that’s what’s inside the orange.  For you to get inwardly stirred by a person or a circumstance, it is because those thoughts about yourself are already inside of YOU!

When you recognize your habits of thought that create the relationships you have with others, or your relationship to your circumstances, it is caused by the habit of thought that you have about yourself.  We need to develop new habits of thinking.  

I want you to think of a time in your life, it could be now or at a different time, where some part of your life was going really well.  It was just flowing and you felt really good about it. Most people think that the reason that they feel so good about this area of their lives is because the circumstances match the way that they want them to. 

But, I want you to consider something. Take a look and see if maybe the reason why you feel so good about this area of your life is because you are having really good thoughts about this area of your life. Any area of your life that you feel really good about, whether it’s about transforming your body, or something professionally, or maybe you feel like a really good parent, or there is a relationship in your life that you feel really good about, consider that the reason why this area is going so well, is because you repeatedly have really good thoughts about this area.

Those thoughts make you feel really good. And when you feel really good in this area, that feeling causes you to take actions continue to make that area of your life work really well. And when that area of your life works really well, it causes you to have more thoughts that make you feel really good. Notice the cycle?

Most people don’t recognize this.  I know that I didn’t see this for most of my life.  The way most people think is that it’s the circumstances that determine the thoughts I have and whether I feel good or bad.

But thoughts like I want to make more money or I want to be in a relationship or I want my spouse to change his or her behavior or I want my kids to be more successful or I want my body to change--these are thoughts that focus on what you WANT but don’t yet have.

So these thoughts make you feel like there is something lacking within you or within your life. And if I could just have this one thing be different, I could finally feel the way that I want to feel.  So I am going to keep focusing on why I don’t have that, how to get it, and when it’s going to happen for me.  

The bottom line here is that there is a big difference between having thoughts and thinking.  Do you know that experts estimate that we have between 60,000 – 80,000 thoughts a day? That's an average of 2500 – 3,300 thoughts per hour. That's incredible.  Mostly we have thoughts – just stuff that pops into our mind that we have no control over. That’s very different than actually thinking. Thinking takes intellectual effort.  Having thoughts is like your hair growing – happens without you having any attention on it.

When we intentionally focus our minds on thoughts that make us feel good, it changes our internal state.  We feel more relaxed. We feel happier. 

If you practice intentional thoughts even for a few minutes every morning, what you are actually doing is unlearning your habitual and automatic thoughts that have just popped into your mind for your whole life. Instead of thinking until I get this thing to be different, I will continue to feel stressed or unhappy or angry or discontent, what if you could create the experience of gratitude and appreciation right now. 

When you focus on something that you love about you or your life, you feel joy. When you focus on why you don’t have something or when will this part of your life change, you feel anxiety and frustration. I know this sounds really simple, but it’s really profound. You are literally emotionally conditioning your mind. It’s like physically conditioning your body. You are using muscles that have remained dormant, maybe for your whole life.  But once you begin to exercise those muscles, and you repeat this every day, something pretty magical begins to happen. You actually start to feel better. Emotionally and physically, you will start to notice small changes. 

A lot of you live with a lot of stress.  And your stress is caused by your habitual voice in your mind that keeps you stuck in judgment of others, anger, trying to fix, change or control other people or circumstances. Other people get to determine how your life goes. Circumstances are outside of you. If you can control the right circumstances, then you can feel the way you want to feel. If you have what you want then you’ll be happy. 

This is the habitual thinking of the Inner Critic. The Inner Critic loves to blame. It will either blame others, circumstances, or it will blame you. Your Inner Critic will always look for outside circumstances to control how you think and feel.  

And you are blind to the automatic thoughts that you have over and over again.   Your focus is on what or who you want to be different. For those of you who struggle with a lack of confidence, self-doubt, you focus on the parts of you that you wish were different.   

For those of you who focus on being so angry at someone else for making you feel unloved, unimportant, not valued, you focus on the parts of them that you wish were different.  And because your Inner Critic is in the driver’s seat of your mind, your external reality matches the internal map you have created. This is perhaps the reality that you have accumulated for your whole life.  Your Inner Critic has created certain filters through which you look at life.

But all of those filters are the lens through which your Inner Critic is viewing your life. When you really understand that you have the choice to no longer listen to your inner critic try to suck you into blaming yourself, someone or something else, you have the power to change your life.  

Fear, shame, perfectionism, blame, accountability, trust, failure, regret:  these feelings are like quicksand. How much of your time do you spend thinking about the future (someday, one day)?  We live in the future so that we can try to prevent these feelings from surfacing in our lives. Our Inner Critic is the part of us that cares about our status and what people think, about always being better than and always being right. I think of my Inner Critic as my inner hustler. It’s always telling me to compare, prove, please, perfect, outperform, and compete. Our Inner Critic has very little tolerance for discomfort or self-reflection.

So the real secret to life is to practice new thoughts.  The most powerful life you can live is when you know the difference between YOU and your Inner Critic. When you begin your day for even 10 minutes focusing on what you have already in your life that you are grateful for, parts of yourself that you already like.

Then you align your thoughts, feelings and actions with that vision.  You no longer keep trying to align your life to give you the thoughts and feelings you want to feel.  You don’t need strategy or tools or techniques. You need a crystal clear vision to already BE the person who feels good.  Right now. Because you are focusing your mind where you want it to go, instead of allowing it to go where it’s always gone. 

Your beliefs control your behaviors. If you believe you need X in order to feel good, you will continue to try to control life so you can get X.  

Finding out what you want is ONLY about finding out who you already are.  If you are listening to your Inner Critic tell you who you are, you have probably been feeling pretty crappy about yourself lol!

Most people listen to their Inner Critic give them their sense of self and what will make them feel the way they want to feel. They don’t know they have an Inner Critic in the driver’s seat of their life. It all comes down to your thinking--- thoughts determine how you feel, how you feel determines actions you take, actions you take determine your results in your life.

Why don’t you do the things that get you into relationship with people?

Why do you not feel good in your relationship with yourself

ANSWER:  YOUR AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS

You are one big automatic reaction to life.  You spend your life struggling and suffering to try to get to an arrival point in the future where you will finally feel the way you want, only to feel like the minute you reach the goal, you’re onto the next goal.

I am talking about practicing letting go of the attachment to the circumstances to define how you think and feel about your life.  If you let go of the way you think it’s supposed to be, and practice feeling good ahead of time now, this allows you to see yourself and your life in a new way. 

And when you feel better, you begin to take some different actions. They might be small at first. But just taking the very next action, like. “I feel good today.  I think I am going for a walk”, or, “you know, my husband or wife does a lot for our family. I think I’m going to tell him how much I appreciate about all that he does.”   If you string along the actions, this propels your life forward.

Why do we struggle with motivation?  Motivation is what your Inner Critic says you “have to do” in order to do the things you don’t want to do.  Why don’t you want to do them? Because we only do things (or don’t do things) because of how it will make us feel. 

Why are you doing or not doing the things you’re doing? You have to know your why. Is it in order to try to prove that you’re good enough?  To avoid failure? To avoid rejection? To avoid looking stupid? This is the orange juice in you, my friends!

You need to pay attention to the automatic thoughts of your Inner Critic-- I have to fix, change or control some aspect of myself or my life so that I don’t feel the feelings I don’t want to feel. 

Many of you want to have a great relationship, or lose weight, or create your dream business, but you don’t want to change the way you think. 

When I am having a thought that makes me disconnected from someone, I have the power to recognize that is just an automatic, habitual thought of my Inner Critic.  I don’t have to take guidance from that thought. I can return myself to my vision-- and then align my new thoughts, feelings and actions with that vision

I am confident---- that is a thought I choose to think over and over and over.  And the more I align my thoughts, feelings and actions with pushing myself outside of my comfort zone, the more confident I become. 

I am not confident first. It is the actions that I take that are in alignment with my vision that increase my confidence.

In order to truly change your life, you need to be willing to think differently from how you feel.

That's why I collected some of my favorite resources and trainings to create an owner's manual for your mind. Want access? Tell us where to send your log-in details! 

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