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What is Insecurity, REALLY?

podcast relationships Jan 21, 2020

Can't listen? Here's the transcript: 

Today, I want to address insecurity.  Most people have designed their lives in an attempt to feel most secure. Security is a basic human need, and for all of us, we start figuring out how to feel secure in infancy!  There is always a point in our early life where we perceive something happening as a threat to our security. 

You may or may not remember a specific incident or event that made you first feel like your security was threatened but no human being escapes this. And this is the beginning of our quest to control how our life goes so we can feel secure. 

Think about this in your own life. What makes you feel most secure? What makes you feel insecure? Why is it that some people feel secure while they are living paycheck to paycheck, while someone else might feel insecure even with millions of dollars in their bank account? 

Most of us don’t realize how much time we spend trying to get our lives to fit the conditions that we tell ourselves that we need in order to feel secure. And because we are attached to those conditions as necessary in order to feel secure, when we spend our lives striving for those conditions, we end up feeling more insecure than ever before. 

Why is that? Because most people don’t know that your feelings of security are created by what you are telling yourself inside your own mind, not by your external conditions of your life being met. Your actual conditions of your life are neither good or bad, right or wrong. Your conditions are whatever they are.

Your feelings of insecurity are based on the emotional programming of your Inner Critic mind, which was formed before you were mentally or physically mature enough to understand the world around you.  You have been trying for most of your life to control how your future will look in order to maintain a sense of security.

By the time we are all adults, our experiences of insecurity and fear are usually driven by our minds being perpetually focused on the future. We worry about how our lives will go and how to control our future so it matches exactly what we think it should. We actually don’t realize that throughout our entire life so far, all of the situations we have had, we handled them in one way or another as they came about. 

If you look back on your life at all of the things that you viewed as a threat, you might be able to see that you didn’t need to be afraid or insecure in order to figure out how to handle those circumstances. In fact, you might be able to look back and see that all of the fear and worrying that you did in your past, was a waste of your energy and got in the way of your ability to feel calm and content.

That relationship that you swore you would die if you ever lost, you can now see that it was exactly what was meant to be to move your life in the direction it went. Or that career path that didn’t pan out has led you in a direction that is now the perfect fit for your true soul’s purpose. Some of you might even see that your chronic worry about the future has literally robbed you of your potential happiness in your life. Worrying about your security will not make you secure in your future.  

I look back on all of the energy I have wasted in worry and how my worry robbed me for years of the joy and contentment I craved so desperately. I worried about my kids, and always tried to “help” them to make the best choices for themselves. But this “help” frequently was met with a lot of resistance. 

Looking back, I can see that I really wanted to control parts of their life because if they were happy it would make me feel calm and secure, and if they were unhappy, I would feel like I was doing something wrong as their mom. The more I recognize my Inner Critic programming, I can see that I had a lot of attachments and addictions to how they should live their lives.

And these attachments would cause me to over-manage them, over-worry, and cause a lot of conflict in my relationship with each of them. I also wasted so much energy focused on my attachments and addictions in my business and reaching an arrival point that I thought would bring me security. I was completely blind for years, as to how it was actually my attachments to my ideal future pictures that were making me more and more insecure and unhappy. 

The practices of dethroning my Inner Critic has allowed me to let go of my attachments and addictions. I had to transform my addictive programming that was making me feel insecure for all of those years. I had to realize on a soul level that my struggle for security was the very thing that was making me miserable!  I had to let go of trying to force my life to fit an ideal picture.

I didn’t even realize how my life was all about striving. Real security cannot be found in trying to control the world of people and things around you so that you can feel secure. But this is what we are taught to believe. We feel that the only way we can be happy is if we feel secure.  So if we can get people to respond to us or treat us in the ways that fit our attachment, we feel secure.

What actually changes your entire life is when you learn how to transcend your addictive Inner Critic computer programming that has led to all of your insecurities for much of your life. When you learn to stop living your life through the lens of “I am not enough” until I have this or don’t have that, you will always be striving for fueling your attachments, which creates a feeling of lack in your life.

And then no matter what life looks like, it is never enough because your Inner Critic convinces you that YOU are not enough. No matter what you have or what you accomplish, nothing ever quite does it for you and the feeling you seek will elude you because you are always trying to get it through other people and circumstances. You may want more money so you can feel secure. Or maybe you want things like a nicer home or a better car or a significant other to make you feel more secure. Or maybe you are someone who seeks an achievement or accomplishment to make you feel more secure. 

But if you take a look at many of the people in our culture who we look at as “successful” because they have the status symbols we think would give us security, many of them are living shallow lives and are not really experiencing the peace, love and serenity that we all really want. Many times, those that chase those external sources of success and security are often the most broken on the inside.  

When you finally rewire your mind and are able to come face to face with your addictive attachments, you learn to find happiness from the life you are already living.  You realize how utterly futile it is to try to force life to give you security. I am still taking actions in my life that are in alignment with all of my dreams and goals, but I do the daily work of letting go of my attachment and addiction to life fitting my picture. 

Of course, I have a preference that my kids are happy, well adjusted and never experience emotional pain. But my one and only job as their mom is to love them. Period. I can’t control their choices or how they experience themselves and their lives. I have had to continually do my own inner work to surrender my attachments and just love them, and stop trying to change them. 

With my business, the more I let go of my attachments, and my Inner Critic demands, the more I realize that I already have everything that I need to feel happy and calm right now. I don’t need anything else. And when I let go, what I actually get back is MORE of everything I need to be happy right now. My IC has been like a well-meaning friend who has been trying to protect me from feeling not good enough by trying to get my life to match her demands. 

And since my Inner Critic mind has been with me forever and will continue to be with me forever, I can spot when she is speaking to me. I can see that although she thinks she is helping me, she is actually creating my unhappiness and discontent. I can clearly spot my addictions to being loved and good enough. I can see her triggering feelings of discontent and fear when my outside world doesn’t match my Inner Critic's ideal version of how life “should” be. I can even spot the rush of pleasure when life does match my Inner Critic’s addictions, and let that go as well because I am no longer willing to pay the heavy price of the internal chaos that her addictive attachments create.

I am committed to living my life in the here and now. Of course I take actions that are in alignment with how I would prefer life to be, but preference and attachment are two completely different states of mind.    

The more my Inner Critic takes a back seat, the less I am triggered into negative emotions when life goes where it goes. I always remind myself that I already have everything that I need to enjoy my life here and now and I don’t need my Inner Critic’s demands and expectations to be met. 

The truth is that the best future we can have is when we learn to no longer be preoccupied with our future. We can take actions in the present moment and the real solution to problems in our lives will come when we stay fully tuned into ourselves and our automatic minds. 

When we can view our Inner Critic minds from a calm and centered place, we have more of an ability to act intuitively and gain insights about ourselves and our lives that continue to help us grow. The biggest changes come when we are free of our inner emotional turmoil and can clearly see that it is our minds that keep us stuck.  

When you rewire a new mind, one which is no longer being controlled by your Inner Critic, you no longer continue to lose your peace and serenity. You don’t keep trying to fix, change, manage or control life or focus on what you don’t have or what you need.

We can take the actions in this moment that might be in alignment with our preferences, but intentionally keep our focus on enjoying life right now.  When you see the difference between YOU and your Inner Critic, you are living the most powerful life you can live because you are taking responsibility for the automatic programming that creates all of your actions and reactions in your life.

You know that your unhappy emotions are just created by your Inner Critic telling you that the people and situations in your life are not fulfilling her demands. You stop blaming people and circumstances for your feelings. You see that when you are triggered, it is really because someone is doing something that is not conforming to your Inner Critic’s addictions.

My Inner Critic is addicted to being adored, so when my kids don’t act like they adore me I have a choice to either get triggered into unhappiness and discontent and then try to control them or I can reprogram my own mind.  I will tell them that they are acting inappropriately but I don’t have to be angered and inwardly stirred by their behavior. I don’t have to react to them with anger and negativity, which gives me more of what I don’t want in my relationship with them.

This has been my biggest challenge and my biggest path to freedom in my journey to dethroning my Inner Critic. And when my Inner Critic is triggered, because she will continue to get triggered for the rest of my life, the better I can understand what addictions I have to continue to work on reprogramming. 

Giving up my addiction to being loved and adored has been the biggest blessing in my life. Because rather than trying to ward off situations that will make me feel unloved, I am free to make choices and take actions that give me a life that is so incredible. I can say the bold thing, I can love wholeheartedly, I can take the risk of rejection, I can fail and know that I can handle anything that life might bring in my future.

I therefore don’t have to fear, ward off, control or manage anything in my future. I just have to take action NOW.  As Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage. And all the men and women, merely players. They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts."

When you watch your life and the people in your life from this vantage point, you can see that your whole life is a stage for you to spot your Inner Critic’s additions more clearly and see how she has created almost all of the drama in your life. And you can surrender into the flow of life, rather than continuing to try to manipulate life.

We can’t flow in our lives if we are still attached to our addictions.  You don’t have to keep playing the game of trying to get more money, more love, more security, more power, more knowledge in order to be happy. You don’t have to hide a part of yourself or your feelings to keep yourself safe and secure. You don’t have to fear other people. You don’t have to keep feeling like you are broken, or are not yet good enough to have the life you want. You can actually open up and let people see ALL of you!

Because there is nothing left to hide if you aren’t addicted to how someone else feels about you, thinks about you or perceives you. You no longer need to judge others or prove them wrong about you. You realize that you don’t have to continue to prove anything. You can see that all of your triggers are from your own automatic mind.

As you continue the path of letting go of your “should’s” and “shouldn't” and demands and expectations, this is how life starts to flow. And a life that flows is really the biggest sense of security that there is!  

In order to truly change your life, you need to be willing to think differently from how you feel.

That's why I collected some of my favorite resources and trainings to create an owner's manual for your mind. Want access? Tell us where to send your log-in details! 

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