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Your Step By Step Guide to Rewire a New Mind

podcast Feb 25, 2020

Can't listen? Here's the transcript: 

Hey Dethroners!  Today I want to walk you through, step by step how to rewire a new mind.  Whether I am working with a man or woman individually, or together as a couple, or I am working with a group in my Mastering Your Mind program, the goal of Dethroning Your Inner Critic is always the same: To rewire a new mind using intentional thoughts, so that you can emotionally reprogram your inner life.

The methods might be different depending on who I am working with, but that is always the goal of DYIC… to feel joy, contentment, fulfillment, love and peace right now, instead of trying to fix, change, control or perfect some part of ourselves or our lives so that we can feel how we want to feel. 

Remember, your Inner Critic literally sucks the life out of you by trying to control or manage the circumstances of life so that it will fit her ideal pictures. This is your Inner Critic’s goal. Your Inner Critic says, Let me make sure that all of life looks the way it should, or is supposed to, so that you won’t feel the pain of being not good enough, loved enough, or valued enough. Let me make sure that you are the right weight, the best mom, an awesome wife, have a neat and organized home, that you are a badass that can run an uber successful business, and that everyone loves you all the time, and no one ever judges you, is disappointed in you, or thinks anything negatively of you. 

I am tired just saying all of that. That is what my Inner Critic mind sounds like. And this is why I practice these steps daily to continue to rewire a new mind. My old mind would have never been able to create the life I have now. The first step to rewire a new mind, is to use your frustrations, disappointments, jealousy, discontentment, guilt and any other uncomfortable emotion that causes suffering, as a way to come face to face with the voice of your Inner Critic.

Remember, your Inner Critic is the automatic voice in your mind that speaks to you 50,000 times a day from morning until night. That is actually what research shows! How crazy is that! Our Inner Critic speaks to us about 50,000 times a day!  Now, when you don’t know that you have an Inner Critic mind and you don’t know that you are actually separate from your Inner Critic mind, you try to organize your life so as to avoid any emotional pain or discomfort. This is how you retreat and shrink in your life.

When your Inner Critic is in control of your mind, either you can’t take risks that might make you fail or be rejected or even if you do, she will make you soooo uncomfortable about it!! I was speaking to a group of women in a LEAN IN group, all highly successful women in their respective fields, and one woman was talking about a keynote she was delivering to several hundred people in 3 days. This is a woman who is a top expert in her field, and has delivered huge keynotes for years. And every time, for days leading up to the event, she is a horrible person to be around. Why? She had no idea that she was listening to her Inner Critic. Before every keynote, she would think, I have to make sure everyone in that audience thinks I am amazing and I have to over-deliver so people go home and think that I blew them away.

That is a perfect example of the Inner Critic. This woman has no control over what people are going to think. She can prepare for her keynote and she can say whatever she is going to say. But how is she supposed to control what other people think? She can’t.

And this is what our Inner Critic’s do. Our Inner Critic makes us try to control things that we have absolutely no control over. We can’t control whether other people love us, hate us, judge us, are disappointed in us, or think we are the greatest thing since sliced bread.  All we can do, is take actions in this present moment.

When this woman saw that all there was for her to do was deliver her talk, and surrender any attempts to control anything else, it was a complete game changer for her. Once she saw this was her Inner Critic who was addicted to other people’s opinions, and she surrendered her attachment to her Inner Critic’s demand that everyone should think she’s great, she was way less anxious and difficult to be around before her keynote. She was still uncomfortable because when you are living the life of your dreams and stepping outside of your comfort zone, it’s always uncomfortable. But now the discomfort is tolerable. She was able to emotionally reprogram her inner life by turning toward her feelings of anxiety and insecurity and examining the automatic Inner Critic thoughts that were creating the feelings.

The feeling of anxiety was a golden opportunity to liberate herself from the voice of her Inner Critic.  So, in step one, you need to first be willing to explore your suffering, instead of running away from it, distracting yourself or numbing yourself from it.  Take 10 minutes every day to do this. Take some deep breaths. Close your eyes. Tune into your feelings, and Let yourself feel the emotions. 

Mentally revisit a circumstance in your life that whipped up some painful feelings. Who was involved in the circumstance? Where did it happen?  What was said? What are you afraid might happen with an upcoming circumstance? Remember, it’s just a feeling. It’s just a vibration in your body.  It’s not going to kill you. Notice what it feels like inside your body. Do you feel it in your shoulders, your stomach, your head, your back.

Step number two is to examine the thoughts that are triggering the emotion.  Again, set aside some time. Write down every thought you are having. Don’t stop writing until they are all out of your head and onto the page. Now, when you read the thoughts, examine the FACTS of what is triggering your fear, anger, jealousy, or other upsetting emotion.  The facts will be very different than the story that your Inner Critic is creating. “I am being disrespected” is not a fact. A fact is “my son told me he hated me.” That is a fact. A fact is “I was fired”. I am not good enough is not a fact. Do you see the difference? How is your Inner Critic interpreting the facts?  What is the story she is telling you about the incident?

Step 3, is to figure out what your Inner Critic is demanding or insisting NEEDS to be a certain way for you to feel ok. That is your Inner Critic addiction. Ask yourself the question, “what is it that is bothering me the most about this situation? What is the worst thing that can happen?  How did I expect or want things to go? How should it have gone? When it didn’t go that way, what did it mean about me, or about my life?” I need to feel respected or valued or loved by other people for me to feel ok is an example of an addiction. That is MY Inner Critic’s addiction.

When you come face to face with your Inner Critic’s addiction, you can see that this has been her addiction for your whole life.  It is not about this particular circumstance. That’s just the thing happening that is triggering her addiction. Ask yourself, “what is it that I think I have to have in order to be happy?” Your Inner Critic tries to control other people’s thoughts and behaviors towards you, which is completely impossible. And this is where all of your suffering comes from.

When something happens outside of you that makes you unhappy, your Inner Critic’s addictions have taken control of your mind.  Some of you might find this challenging to believe, but it is NEVER the circumstances of our lives that cause our emotions. It is the thoughts we have about the circumstances. And we have a choice about the thought we choose to think. Either our Inner Critic is assigning a thought that disempowers us, or we are consciously and deliberately choosing what we are going to think.

You will have to do the work of DYIC so that you can see clearly what are the thoughts that are actually causing your suffering.  You can ask yourself, what do I want to think about this situation? Is there anything that I can change about this situation? When something in my business doesn’t go the way I planned for it to, I can either allow my Inner Critic to automatically make me feel like I am not good enough, or I can think of how I can grow from this experience, and what I can do differently moving forward.

But it takes daily practice to spot your Inner Critic talking to you. It takes carving out time to write down her automatic messages, to see the uncomfortable emotions, body sensations and unhealthy behaviors she is causing.  I do this every morning. And sometimes, I do it in the shower, or while I’m driving in my car. I purposely step back and observe her talking. Because in order for me to separate myself from her, I need to see her clearly. 

Step 4 is to choose a new thought. Notice that in the past, you have blamed other people or circumstances for your unhappiness.  This blocked you from seeing that it is actually your Inner Critic who has been responsible for your unhappiness, by trying to have your life fit her ideal pictures and demands.  You must be willing to let go of trying to meet your Inner Critic’s demands.

When you can clearly see that she is the one that is responsible for your unhappiness, this is a game changer.  This has the power to shift your whole life. Your self-love and confidence, your relationships with the people you love, and how you feel as you design your future from a newly rewired mind.

My go to thought is, “I am enough right now.  I don’t need anyone else’s acceptance or validation to be good enough”. This is to combat my Inner Critic’s addiction to make everyone like me and value me so that I can be good enough. Or you can say, “I don’t have to be upset if I get rejected, or fail.” I also get in touch with what I am grateful for, what I feel proud of myself for, and the parts of my life that make me feel really good. 

Use your new thinking with the circumstances that were previously upsetting you to loosen the grip of your Inner Critic’s demands that were holding you hostage. When you continue to practice these steps, you will begin to watch your life unfold in new ways. You will see glimpses of freedom, where there previously wasn’t any.

And the more you build these new muscles to create new thoughts and surrender the old thoughts, this is how you will continue to rewire a new mind.  It is a gradual rewiring that takes daily practice. And with a newly rewired mind, your future unfolds in front of you in the most miraculous ways, because you don’t have to be afraid of facing discomfort. You will know that whatever life brings, you can handle it. You no longer need your Inner Critic to try to protect you from pain. And that is what a life of freedom looks like.

For those of you who are interested, I will be leading a retreat in Arizona this May 2020 at a luxury horse farm, and part of the retreat we will be using horses to spot where your Inner Critic is holding you back!  There’s no riding involved, but this is an incredibly powerful way to see your blind spots. For more information, email me at [email protected]! 

In order to truly change your life, you need to be willing to think differently from how you feel.

That's why I collected some of my favorite resources and trainings to create an owner's manual for your mind. Want access? Tell us where to send your log-in details! 

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