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The ONE Thing That Will Transform All of Your Relationships

podcast relationships Feb 11, 2020

Hey Dethroners!  I have spent the last 25 years supporting people in living meaningful, fulfilling and abundant lives.  That is truly my life’s passion, because I have been on a non stop journey to feel the best I can possibly feel. 

And the ONLY thing that really determines our experience of living a meaningful life, is the quality of our relationships. 

The quality of our relationships is what determines the quality of our life. That fact is undisputed. But most people think that good relationships are a matter of finding good quality people to connect with. Nothing can bring us more joy to life than wonderfully fulfilling relationships. And, of course, nothing can bring us as much pain as unhealthy relationships.  

We define healthy relationships as the relationships that make us feel good.  When we feel loved, accepted, validated, supported, we label that as a healthy relationship.  And when we feel criticized, judged, unaccepted, unloved and unsupported, that is what we call an unhealthy relationship. 

But notice, whether we are defining the relationship as healthy or unhealthy, when we label through this typical way, we are looking at how someone ELSE makes us feel.  So many people stay in a cycle of unhealthy relationships, whether with family members, romantic relationships, friends, or coworkers, because they are looking toward their external environment to determine their internal state of emotional well being.  And this is where most people are living their life with backwards thinking.

From the time we are young, we are taught to look at external means of finding internal happiness. We are taught to look at our grades, our accomplishments, our success to determine how we feel about ourselves. Our culture reinforces this idea that if we have the right achievements, accomplishments, weigh the right amount, act the right way, have the right job, the right amount of friends that is the key to happiness.

We spend our lives chasing our sense of fulfillment and happiness by continuing to seek the 2.0 version of ourselves and our lives. And the self help space is truly saturated with this!  Follow these 10 steps, get my simple plan, make more money, lose more weight, get the guy or girl of your dreams. 

And many people even remain in unhealthy relationships because we are convinced that with enough hard work, we can influence this person so that they will act in a way that makes us feel the way we want to feel about ourselves. OMG!! I see this repeatedly!!!

We are not taught to generate our happiness from within. Most people don’t even know this is the ONLY WAY to cultivate feeling good about life. Most people focus on what they want to attain, so that they can be happy.  We aren’t taught to look at who we already are, what our lives already are, the abundant blessings we already have right now, and the parts of the people in our lives that we can love and appreciate.

We automatically look at what is lacking. What is lacking in our lives, in ourselves, and in the people we have relationships with.  Automatically, our Inner Critic focuses on what we wish were different about our spouses, kids, family members. We compare them to an ideal version of who we want them to be, just like we compare ourselves to this ideal version.

If you look at the relationships in your life that currently frustrate you in some way, notice where you are wanting, hoping or expecting this person to be different than who he or she being.  Is it possible that this other person is picking up on your frustration and even outward attempts to fix or change their behavior? Is it possible that you might be caught in a vicious cycle where the more frustrated you are, the more distant or passive aggressive they become?  

I think one of the most common things people want is to create healthy relationships. But the thing about practicing the DYIC work is that everything we want in our lives, begins with our thoughts. If we are thinking thoughts that cultivate internal emotions that make us feel good, we respond to the world differently.

In other words, when we are thinking about what we feel grateful for, where we are currently fulfilled within ourselves and our lives and what we can already feel proud of, we are showing up energetically different than when we are automatically having thoughts that focus on what we don’t yet have, what we should have, or what needs to be different. 

So when we are wanting to cultivate great relationships in our lives, it makes sense that when we are intentionally cultivating thoughts that create positive energy and a positive experience of ourselves and our lives, the quality of our relationships are fundamentally different than when we are not intentionally rewiring different thoughts. Where many people go wrong is that they think in terms of what they DON'T want. But when you focus on what you DON’T want, you are creating your relationships from energy that is consistent with feeling a sense of lack, or not enough, or that life isn’t yet what it should be.  And this energy sucks the life out of us. How we really want to think, is looking at not only what we do want, but where in our lives have we already created what we want.  

If we are clear about what we want, and see the areas where we have already created that, we can see how we created that.  Look at a relationship in your life that feels in line with what you want. Maybe it is with a friend or a colleague or family member.  When you see them or spend time with them, maybe you feel connected. Your energy is positive and expansive, not frustrated and shut down.  You are more present with them. Your heart is open which creates a level of connectedness.  

When you learn how to think in a way that has you fall in love with who you already are and the life that you have already created, you are going to become less dependent on other people for your happiness, contentment and sense of self.  Most people don’t know how to intentionally think about themselves and their lives in a way that leaves them feeling grateful, inspired and at peace. Most people don’t know that they have an Inner Critic voice that dictates their thinking automatically, so they are programmed like a computer to look to things outside of themselves to make them feel fulfilled. 

They look to achieving their goals, they look to their possessions, their bodies, their bank accounts or to their relationships to feel good. And this is why so many people don’t feel good. No matter what they have in life, it doesn’t quite make them feel that sense of fulfillment and peace that they crave.

When you learn to stop depending on other people and the circumstances of life to make you feel good, and learn how to generate those feelings right now, this is when you stop living your life from the emotions connected to this sense of lack. You start to create more love, more vitality, and more joy in your life. And that is when you start to relate to other people around you differently.

You stop taking their behavior so personally. You stop feeling so guarded and defended against people for fear that they will hurt you or make you feel inadequate. That is because YOU are more whole. And when you are more whole, you show up differently. You become the person that you want other people to be.

You start being able to love unconditionally, because you are learning to love yourself unconditionally.  When you start to show up differently towards the people in your life, you are actually creating new relationships with these same people, because YOU are showing up as a new person. You can learn to let go of the past, and see people from an entirely new perspective.

This is the secret to healthy relationships-- shifting yourself from the inside so that you can learn to fall in love with yourself, and then learn to fall in love with the people in your life. We are so conditioned to look for the lack-- in ourselves, and in the world around us. We are so programmed culturally to keep fixing, striving, changing.  But the real work of DYIC is overcoming our old Inner Critic mind, which creates our limited emotions and our limited perspective.

When we learn to get out of the way of ourselves, by rewiring a new mind, this is how we draw the right people to us. This is how we bring out the best in the people we are connected to. And if it is a relationship that is not healthy, We are not as afraid to let go of the relationships that are no longer serving us. We stop waiting around trying to change other people, because we have changed ourselves from the inside out.  

Your Inner Critic mind has kept many of you trapped in playing out the need for security and comfort and feeling loved and valued by looking for it outside yourselves.  And that is why so many people stay in toxic relationships, yo-yoing between pain and pleasure, because they are trying to make the unworkable, work!

I see this all the time.  People blindly repeat the same mistakes over and over. Because your Inner Critic keeps you focused on your fears and desires, and then trying to force changes in the people and things around you. When you see yourself and your life through this lens, you will continue to seek happiness by trying to change the world around you.

The truth is that your life RIGHT NOW is miraculous. YES, even yours!!  But parts of your life and some of your relationships don’t fit your Inner Critic’s ideal picture, so you react to that with anger, fear, jealousy, resentment and then your Inner Critic creates your experience of unhappiness. 

So, you criticize and reject yourself, and other people in your life. You find fault with yourself and others. And this is how you react to yourself and the people with whom you find fault with. And your reactions to yourself and to them, create your relationship.  Those other people become mirrors for your negative feelings. And then they react with negativity, which triggers more anger, fear, jealousy or other harmful emotions, and the vicious cycle continues. And then you react by criticizing yourself more, and criticizing them more.   

This vicious cycle could even perpetuate your Inner Critic’s belief that good relationships are impossible, that people can’t be trusted, and that you need to be guarded and fearful of other people, because they can hurt you. So many people are trapped in this way of life. They see the world around them as something they have to protect themselves against.  And they grow smaller and smaller, because there are very few people with whom they can really feel comfortable with and be themselves with. Which unbeknownst to them, has nothing to do with other people.  

If we can only change ourselves, what do we do when we are genuinely upset with someone else and we need to communicate that to them?  Well, it is completely useless to try to change their behavior and their actions. You can try to manipulate them with your words, or use criticism or guilt them into changing, but that will cause more separation in your relationship. 

The only way that you have power to transform a relationship is by transforming who YOU are being. There is a big difference when you are communicating your upset from a place of love, versus communicating from blame, guilt and anger. To communicate from love, you have to first be willing to see what your Inner Critic is attached to with regards to this person.

Is your Inner Critic demanding that this person make you feel loved, valued, good enough, respected? You will never get those feelings from another human.  You have to look towards yourself to feel that. If you change YOUR Inner Critic computer programming and think thoughts about yourself that already make you feel good enough, already make you feel grateful, and already make you see your value right now, you don’t NEED anyone else to do this. 

You can surrender your Inner Critic attempts to control their behavior, their judgments and their opinions of you. Because news flash...YOU can’t!! When you learn to think in a way that makes you love yourself, you become invulnerable to suffering because of what someone else thinks, says or does. 

You may choose not to spend time with someone that is repeatedly unloving or acts in ways that are toxic, but you will stop taking it so personally and being so angry about it. You can choose to let them go from a place of peace. And when you practice lovingly accepting people in your life, without any conditions, the more they will actually enjoy being around YOU! 

I see this every day with my kids, as I continue to let go of thinking their emotional well being is MY responsibility to manage. When I accept them for who they are and let them navigate their own journey, they actually enjoy being around me much more. When I am trying to control how they act or control the choices they make, it NEVER goes well. They become defensive, angry and withdraw from me.  The more that I can stay loving no matter what they do, they feel more relaxed and connected with me. And then they actually start to respond differently to me.

But even when they don’t and they stay grumpy, it doesn’t matter. I can let go of my attachment that they are not grumpy. It’s not mine to fix or manage or control. I can stay centered and calm no matter what. I practice this every day.

When my Inner Critic was controlling my mind, I created my own unhappiness with my attachments and demands for how they are supposed to behave.  The more I tried to figure out how to get them to behave differently the more unhappy I was! Now that I am responsible for my own happiness, I actually have an effect on how they show up, just by who I am being!

I created a different relationship with my children by changing my own internal thoughts. Talk about a miracle! That is true power! My Inner Critic was the only roadblock to my happiness.

Now I know that I have the power to create my happiness, or to create my unhappiness, depending on who is ruling my mind, ME or my Inner Critic. Either I am creating critical, rejecting energy with my mind, or I am creating accepting, loving energy with my mind that I am now feeding back into the people and the situations in my life. 

I am in charge of my happiness simply by managing my mind! And it’s really not simple. It takes daily and ongoing work. But the reward of that work is a life that is blowing my freaking mind! If you would like support with learning how to manage your mind to live the most powerful life you can live, go to my website and book a clarity session. I would love to connect with you!  

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