The One Key to Emotional Resiliency

podcast self care Dec 03, 2019

Can't listen? Here's the transcript: 

Today I want to talk about emotional resiliency.  Emotional resilience is when you are able to calm your mind after encountering a negative experience.  Resilience is a muscle that we need to build. So if you learn how to build this muscle, it will take less effort to get over the emotional punches that life pulls.

There is a strong connection between failure and resistance. In fact, failure is actually a requirement that is necessary in order to strengthen emotional resiliency, because unless you are willing to learn from your mistakes and learn how to rebound from failure, you can’t be resilient. If you are someone who lives life believing that failure is not an option, you can’t develop resilience because you can only take actions that result in a sure thing.  

You experience stress when your brain gets hijacked by the automatic thoughts of your Inner Critic.  And if your Inner Critic is in the driver’s seat of your mind, then you are probably experiencing chronic stress.

Our experience of stress comes from our thoughts.  If you are not coping well with the challenges of your life, it is not because of these challenges. It is because you have automatic, conditioned thoughts about these challenges and you keep having the same thoughts over and over and over.

How are my kids doing? 

How will my life go?

How am I going to handle this conflict in my relationship?

How will my finances be?

These are your Inner Critic’s repetitive thoughts. Your Inner Critic is habitually looking at your future and trying to control how your life goes so that in the future, you won’t experience any discomfort.  So the belief is that if I can get my kids to turn out this way, if I can get my life to go that way, if I can get my finances to look like this, if I can get my spouse, my mother, my boss to stop doing that, then I can have the life I want.  

When you learn the difference between YOU and your Inner Critic, this is when you are living your most powerful life. To build resiliency, understanding that you are separate from the voice in your mind is a must. 

But here’s the thing: You’re never going to stop your automatic Inner Critic mind from saying the same thing it’s said to you for forever. If you are worried about your future now, I assure you that you were doing the same thing 5 years ago, and 5 years before that. If you notice a pattern, your Inner Critic has been focused on trying to control the direction of your life forever. Even if your life goes in the direction you want it to, your Inner Critic will keep focusing on the next thing to control and the next and the next. And this is exactly what creates chronic stress. 

Here’s a little game to play: for all of you listening, think about anything you want right now, but don’t think about pink elephants. Whatever you do, don’t think about pink elephants. How did that go? Did you think about pink elephants? When we try to not think about it and suppress it, we think about it more. 

When you learn how to master your mind, you practice having different thoughts. You intentionally and deliberately take the time to create new thoughts about the same circumstances. And if you practice this every day, eventually one new thought leads to another new thought which leads to another new thought, and soon you are experiencing a circumstance in an entirely different way. 

An example for me is that my Inner Critic has told me that I am not good enough for my whole life. So for years, I was trying to be enough by trying to make sure my kids were happy, trying to make sure I made the right amount of money to feel good enough, and trying to control all of it.

When I began the journey to separate myself from my Inner Critic, I began to see that my self-worth had nothing to do with how much money I was making or whether my kids’ lives looked a particular way. 

I had no idea what a control freak I really was. In fact, for years I thought that I was an easy-going person. HA! I really woke up to just how much I was trying to control and perfect and it was shocking. And a little disgusting too!!

When I shifted my thinking from the inside, I let go of trying to control the things I had been trying to control. I actually surrendered. I focused on loving myself and loving my kids and that’s it. And when I stopped listening to my Inner Critic and began to practice new thoughts, my whole life started to change. 

I started to develop a whole new relationship with myself that was compassionate, loving, accepting. And this new relationship with myself had me feeling differently about who I am, what I am capable of, and the power of the work of DYIC. The actions that I have taken in my business would not have been possible had I been thinking from my old mind.

I had to rewire an entirely new mind and started seeing myself and my entire life through a new lens. And those are the thoughts that had me feeling differently, which had me taking actions that I would have never before taken. 

This didn’t just transform my entire business, but it also changed my personal relationships too. Because I let go of trying to fix or change my husband and kids. Prior to waking up, when my Inner Critic was ruling my mind, my attempts to fix, change or control were all from a place of love. I thought that is what being a good mom was….getting your kids to turn out. But what I was blind to was that since my Inner Critic convinced me that it was my job to get them to turn out, I was always stressed and tense and frustrated with something. When I surrendered trying to control the parts of my kids' lives that I couldn’t control, I was free to just love them instead of trying to fix them.  

Studies show that resilient people experience more joy, happiness, are more socially connected, report having more pleasure in their lives, welcome new experiences and embrace challenges. People who are not resilient experience more sadness, fear, moodiness, jealousy, and fear challenges. 

Becoming more resilient is about choosing to have experiences in your life that lead to more meaningful connections, more positive emotions, and more social connections. Things like learning to do yoga, dating, learning an entirely new skill can lead to a richer life. But it can also lead to failure, mistake, rejection, and discomfort. 

When I first set out to create a business that would allow me to work with people all over the world, I had no idea what Zoom even was. I didn’t know how to create a podcast. I had no idea how to navigate social media. And it was very daunting and overwhelming. I spent countless hours learning how to host webinars, only to have no one show up. 

I wrote blogs that no one read. I posted videos that 5 people would watch. It took me days to write my podcast episodes. But with every step, I managed my mind. I didn’t listen to my Inner Critic, who would repeatedly tell me that what I was doing wasn’t working and that I didn’t have the skills or the tools or the knowledge.   

Mastering my own mind is what had me recognize what I am really capable of.  But the only way I was able to do that was to change my relationship to failure.  I had to stop giving failure any negative connotation.

Remember that any negative emotion comes from your automatic mind.  So if I was going to set out on a journey to change the face of mental health, I needed to use a different mind to do it. I had to change the word failure to the word learn.

Remember that it is the meaning we assign to things that determines how we feel about it. The Amygdala is the part of the brain that keeps you safe. This is where our Inner Critic lives. And when your Inner Critic is in control, she shuts down the part of your brain that gives you the ability to take action.  She has you living your life in fight, flight or freeze mode.

So I had to use a different part of my brain where my Inner Critic did not live. Once I knew the difference between ME and my Inner Critic, I had access to this other part of my brain. And when I failed, I chose to have the thought, “I’m learning and growing and gaining more information to propel me forward” 

I practiced failure in advance--- I made a list of all the things that could go wrong and how that would make me feel. Since I knew that my Inner Critic caused these feelings, I directed my mind to a thought about what could go wrong that would make me feel less discomfort, like “I don’t have to control what other people think. I know who I am. If they don’t like me, or agree with what I am doing, they are not my people.”  I have an incredibly strong failure muscle. I have learned how to associate failure with learning and growth. 

So emotional resiliency boils down to this:  you need to know the difference between you and your Inner Critic. You need to practice this separation on a daily basis. You need to strengthen this muscle. This is how we practice emotional fitness.  

In our culture, there’s a lot of focus on being physically fit. There’s an exercise facility on every corner. But there is very little discussion about learning how to think and using your mind to access the life of your dreams.  I am on a mission to change this.

2020 is a big year. I want everyone to know the difference between them and their Inner Critic and this is something I can’t do by myself. I am only one person. So I will be creating training programs for those of you who want to teach people how to DYIC.  So if you are someone who is in the space of personal growth and development, whether you are a coach, therapist, healer, I am going to be teaching people how to build businesses around the DYIC principles.

Because EVERYone needs to know this. And apply it to every aspect of their lives… their parenting, their relationships, their businesses, their spirituality, their physical and emotional well being.  This information changes lives. And the more people who change their own lives, they inspire other people to also change their lives. It’s the ripple effect. And this is how we transform the planet.

So if you someone who wants to do this for yourself, or you want to create a business to do this for yourself and for other people, go to my website and schedule a clarity session! You know who you are, and there is no better way to live your life than learning how to master your mind to create the life of your dreams!

In order to truly change your life, you need to be willing to think differently from how you feel.

That's why I collected some of my favorite resources and trainings to create an owner's manual for your mind. Want access? Tell us where to send your log-in details! 

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