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I Had No Idea I Was a Control Freak!

podcast Jan 28, 2020

Can't listen? Here's the transcript: 

Hey Dethroners!  As I go deeper into the work of Dethroning my Inner Critic, I learn more and more about how my Inner Critic has literally been trying to perfect and control everything and everyone in my life. I never even knew how much I was trying to control! For so long, I thought that was the way you had a great life!

Because this is the world we live in: Almost everyone is under the illusion that the way to attain the peace, joy, contentment and happiness is to make sure that your life fits your pictures about the way that it is supposed to be. Find the right soul mate, have the right career, weigh the right amount, make the right amount of money, have your kids turn out the right way, have the right friends, take the right vacations.

I am exhausted just talking about all these things! I was drinking the koolade for so long! So the set up for decades was that I just had to keep trying to force life to fit my picture.

And here’s the seductive part that I think a lot of you might be able to relate to--it kinda worked! I am now almost 50 and I have created a magical life. But I have REALLY only woken up to how magical my life is when I began to do the deep work of dethroning your Inner Critic.

Prior to that, I would have glimpses of gratitude but mostly I was in striving mode. I was looking at myself and my life through the lens of, “I am not there yet, but I am getting there!!”  And what I had to come face to face with is my Inner Critic’s addictions.

Remember that an addiction is something that we NEED to make us feel the way we want to feel. So all of my attempts to control how my future was going to go, that control was the vehicle I used to feed my Inner Critic’s addiction. See, my Inner Critic is addicted to security. If I could make all of the outside conditions of my life “be enough”, that would make me feel secure.

The problem is that my Inner Critic would always find one more loop hole that needed to be plugged up.  There was no end. It was like a bottomless pit, because my Inner Critic was always searching for what was the next thing I needed to control or manage or the next arrival point of life where I would finally be enough.

Have you ever noticed that many times, the most successful people in our culture, like some Hollywood stars or some moguls who are in this power game are the ones who, although they have achieved all of the external success like money and things, are the ones that are the furthest from peace, joy, gratitude and healthy relationships with other people? 

It happens often that the more successful a person becomes on the outside, if he or she is not doing the inner work of mastering their mind, the less successful he or she is on the inside. When you are able to spot your Inner Critic in power moment by moment in your day, that is when you have true success. Because until you can spot your Inner Critic’s attempts to feed her addictions, you are trapped in always needing to find the next thing in life to meet her ideal pictures so that you can be happy.

I am doing this work every day both in my business and in raising my three kids. These are the areas where my Inner Critic rears her head on a daily basis. And let me tell you--this is hard work! I am not going to lie, sometimes I am swallowed by my Inner Critic and I am down the rabbit hole of fear, worry, upset, regret, blaming myself for what I should have or could have done differently. If only I knew then what I know now! (Sound familiar?)

When you are able to spot how utterly futile it is trying to feel happy by forcing life to fit your Inner Critic’s pictures, this is the beginning of the road to freedom. I don’t stop taking the actions in my life that are in alignment with all of my goals. But the difference is, I am taking those actions while at the same time surrendering my addiction that those actions need to ensure that my life fits my Inner Critic’s demands.

That is a huge shift. I am no longer willing to live a life of disappointment, suffering and frustration that comes with my Inner Critic’s attachments. All of the stuff my Inner Critic wants, which is to be loved and valued, is not really who I am. I am separate from my Inner Critic.

So, I don’t NEED people to love me to love myself. I don’t NEED people to think I am successful or accomplished in order to feel proud of myself. When my Inner Critic is in control of my mind, SHE needs those things.

But here is the beautiful thing! When you give up all of your Inner Critic’s addictions, what you get is more of everything than you need in order to be happy. When you no longer NEED anything, you are not experiencing yourself and your life through the lens of lack or not enough. You start to build this unconditional acceptance of yourself and the people around you. And you surrender into loving yourself and loving your life exactly in this moment. That is a magical feeling.

And when you live your life in that feeling the majority of the time, your life will unfold in ways that you could have never imagined possible when your Inner Critic was ruling your mind. Because you learn to practice the ongoing surrender of your attachments instead of trying to bulldoze your life to give you what you thought you needed for your happiness.

My Inner Critic is always trying to seduce me back into my automatic, conditioned thinking. She will never leave my mind and she will never stop her automatic seduction. The key is that can I catch her whipping up fear, worry and attachment. I can use these emotions to show me that really, all is well right now.

I already have everything in me right now. I already AM enough. There is nothing more that I need to prove, I don’t require anything or anyone outside of myself to get me in touch with feeling love and compassion for myself, love for the life I have built, and acceptance of exactly the way my life is right now. 

In other words, this is what unconditional love looks like. You start to experience yourself and other people in a different way. You see other people’s behavior as a result of their own Inner Critic addictions and demands. You see them living out their attempts to fill those addictions and the suffering that causes. You don’t have to allow yourself to take their behavior personally. Their behavior is part of THEIR journey. It doesn’t have to be a part of yours.

If they are angry or have judgments of you or are upset because you are not fitting their expectations, you can see that is their problem, not yours. You stop trying to get other people to love you and accept you and not judge you, because you are no longer attached to that as a requirement in order for you to feel at peace.

And you actually begin to accept what was once previously unacceptable.  Because whatever IS, just IS! If your mom or your sister or your boss has a problem with you, that’s what is happening. You might prefer that they not have this judgment, but you don’t have any ability to control that. You realize that your irritation is just your Inner Critic’s attachment to not being judged.

If you downgrade from attachment to preference, you start to realize that you don’t NEED life to fit your attachments. This is a huge shift!! The more I surrender my Inner Critic’s attachments, the more my entire life looks completely different. Because other people are no longer a threat to me. I don’t need them to love me, like me, accept me. I don’t need conditions to me met for my happiness, joy and centeredness.

My Inner Critic has less and less power over me, so I don’t have as many reactions to other people as I used to. I have less and less reactivity and I can really BE with anyone.  I can stay joyous and centered regardless of how other people are acting. Because it was only my Inner Critic that kept me from being able to remain centered.

I always thought it was THEIR actions that caused me to get inwardly twisted. And when I do get twisted, I can see my Inner Critic’s addiction. I want them to treat me a certain way so that I can feel good. Which is a road to nowhere! I can actually use the times where I am inwardly twisted as a great teaching moment for me to surrender.

So no matter what happens, I try to experience EVERYTHING as an opportunity to stay in love, peace and balance. I practice emotionally accepting everything that comes my way. I can return to love no matter what anyone says or does.

And by the way, there is nothing like two teenage boys and a budding teenage girl to provide many many teaching moments for me to surrender my Inner Critic’s attachments and addictions let me tell you. Either I am going to remain centered, peaceful and loving in the face of their shenanigans or I am going to let my Inner Critic take me down the familiar path of anger, frustration and trying to change them. UHHHH!!!

That is just my Inner Critic trying to convince me that it is my job to get my kids to turn out. But the truth is, it is my kids' job to get them to turn out. I can teach them the skills and I can love them. That’s about it. So if they try to hurt me or upset me when they are frustrated with me, I can stay in love. Wow that’s hard sometimes!

MY Inner Critic makes my love conditional. But when I am there, I have no one to fear. I don’t have to avoid the possibility of judgment or rejection, which lets me be waaay more self expressed with everyone.

I can open myself up to people. I find connections and friendships that I wouldn’t have found if my Inner Critic were in control of my life. And no way in hell would I be doing any of this, that is for sure.  It would have remained a fantasy dream in my mind and that’s as far as it would have gone.

I am doing things in my life that I would have never done if my Inner Critic had anything to say about it. In May of 2020, I will be leading my very own retreat at a private horse farm in Arizona with a mind blowing life coach who shares my vision. If you want more information about that, please email me for details at [email protected].  But this life that I am building would not have been possible without Dethroning my Inner Critic on a daily basis.

I am in touch with who I am in a way that would not have been possible if my Inner Critic kept governing my life.  So the way life is going is one miraculous thing after another. And this transformation couldn’t have been possible at any other time in my life. I wasn’t ready to surrender my Inner Critic.

I now see so clearly that the miracles were always there, but I was too busy attached to my Inner Critic’s attachments and expectations and trying to manipulate the people and circumstances in my life to match those expectations.  I see how much energy I wasted. But all that wasted energy was necessary to wake me up!

I needed to get sick and tired of my old mind! If you are sick and tired of your old mind getting in your way from having the life you know you were meant to live, you really NEED to reach out to me!!! This stuff is magic, ya’ll!

In order to truly change your life, you need to be willing to think differently from how you feel.

That's why I collected some of my favorite resources and trainings to create an owner's manual for your mind. Want access? Tell us where to send your log-in details! 

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