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My Inner Critic's Addiction to Being Loved

podcast relationships Jan 14, 2020

 Can't listen? Here's the transcript!

I want to talk about how our addictions of thinking destroy our happiness. Our Inner Critic is the voice in our mind that is our automatic computer programming in our mind that triggers all of our uncomfortable emotional responses if some circumstance in our life or some person in our life doesn’t match our Inner Critic’s expectation of what it should be.

So if our desire isn’t fulfilled, we react emotionally in automatic ways that manifest in feelings like anger, worry, anxiety, jealousy or fear just to name a few. And there are other parts of our life that we avoid entirely so that we won’t risk automatic feelings of rejection, inadequacy, failure, or in some way feeling not good enough.

Sometimes people don’t even realize when they are avoiding taking action. This week, I was working with an executive who is seeking a new position and was sending out emails to find his new position, only to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. When we got into the conversation about his Inner Critic addictions, he was able to see that he was emailing instead of having personal conversations with colleges because he was avoiding the discomfort of his addictive thought from his Inner Critic's, “I need to feel worthy.” So to his Inner Critic, risking rejection feels like he’s going to die.  But personal conversations are what would be the thing that would get him what he really wants!

Where are you not even recognizing that you are avoiding taking the actions that would give you what you want in your life, because you are acting from completely unconscious beliefs that you don’t even know are running you?

I see this time after time that people aren’t fulfilled either personally or professionally because of their limiting beliefs that they aren’t even aware of! So our Inner Critic’s addictive thoughts destroy our dreams and they destroy our happiness. Because when you are caught in your addictive thinking, you are whipping up a state of extreme negativity both with yourself (and probably other people in your life).

When you are listening to your Inner Critic's thoughts, you are not able to perceive anything clearly.  So your Inner Critic thinking separates you from other people because you are caught in a constant struggle of making the outside world fit your addictions. It is impossible for other people or your life circumstances to make you feel loved or valued or worthy ALL the time. The way life goes is that half of the time your life goes the way you want it to and half the time it doesn’t. That will never not be the case.

So the 50% of life that doesn’t match your Inner Critic's picture will always leave you suffering and unhappy when you are listening to your Inner Critic's thoughts about however life is at the moment. As long as you continue to try to satisfy your Inner Critic’s addictions, you will continue to be dominated by pointless attempts to find your happiness by manipulating the world around you so that it can fit your addictions.  

My Inner Critic's addiction is to being loved. So where I get triggered is whenever I think that someone will judge me, reject me, or think that in some way I am not good enough. Before DYIC, my Inner Critic would have never allowed me to become a podcaster, author, public speaker, or to have a global reach. I would have wanted it and would have taken some actions, but not the actions that would really have me fulfilling my dreams.

And then I would stay stuck in dissatisfaction and discontent because I would be focusing on what I don’t have in my life and what I need to have in my life so that I can feel happy and fulfilled. Which is BS, because I don’t NEED accomplishments to feel happy and fulfilled.  I have a preference to have a global reach, but I don’t NEED it! My Inner Critic needs it to satisfy her addiction to being loved. I don’t!

And when your mind is dominated by your Inner Critic, you can’t see all of the amazing blessings that already exist around you.  You can’t see the parts of you and your life that already are working, that can make you feel joy and love and fulfillment right now.  Because your focus is on the parts of life that don’t match your Inner Critic’s pictures.

Loving your life can only happen when you can clearly see what your Inner Critic is addicted to. Because it is these addictions that are at the heart of all of your unhappiness. It’s like that old adage, “what you resist, persists.” If you keep saying, "I don’t want this" or "I need more of that" then what you get is more of what you don’t want or more of what you perceive you are lacking. 

Your addictive thinking creates an illusion that the people and situations in your life are problematic. You see things not as they really are, but as YOU are. Your Inner Critic thinking distorts your ability to see the great parts of your life right now.

Your programmed addictions determine your experience of your life.  You are dominated by your Inner Critic mind and you pay attention only to the things that don’t match your Inner Critic’s ideal picture. The more you live with your distorted version of the people and circumstances of your life, the surer you will feel that it is a “true” picture of your life.

So you build up this warped and distorted picture of yourself, the people in your life and the world around you. You believe what you are seeing is true and the feedback that you get continually reinforces and molds your perceptions. Your Inner Critic literally creates your world with its expectations, desires, attachments, and demands. When you practice dethroning your Inner Critic and no longer allow your Inner Critic to rule your mind, you start to clearly recognize your addictive programming. That is when your actual life becomes clearer to you.  

So when you are inwardly stirred, in other words, you are experiencing worry, fear, sadness, jealousy, regret, can you welcome these feelings as the opportunity to become aware of your Inner Critic’s addictions that need to be reprogrammed?  

Where I can still see my addictions showing up today is in raising my teenage boys. My daughter is 11 and she still adores me most of the time, but with my boys, they are at the age where they are pulling away, as they should, because they are teenage boys!!  But this triggers my Inner Critic’s addiction to needing to be loved.

So without the DYIC tools, I would be blaming them and trying to get love from them and being angry at them and trying to change their behavior so that I can be loved. So whenever I find myself in feelings of anger or sadness or worry with regards to my boys, that is my opportunity to spot my addiction to being loved and stop trying to get my boys to fill my addiction.

Spotting your addictions is about noticing your desires, expectations, and attachments that make you feel these uncomfortable emotions.  You have to get tuned in to your thoughts, sometimes minute by minute! And this is how you begin to really understand what has been running you for your whole life. 

It might feel like these uncomfortable emotions are being triggered by your spouse or your child or your mother or your bank account. But if you examine more closely, you might find that you have felt this same way many times before in your life.  Your life has been about trying to find people and circumstances that would satisfy your addictions.

When you are no longer being ruled by your Inner Critic’s addictions, you are freer in your life because you don’t have to worry so much about warding off potential future circumstances that would trigger you. You can realize that no matter what life brings you in the future, you will be able to handle it because none of it means what your Inner Critic has been making it mean for your whole life.

You don’t have to be so afraid of failure, rejection, inadequacy, loneliness. You can handle it! If someone treats you crappy, you can remain centered no matter what he or she does. You can see other people’s behaviors as ways that THEY are acting out their Inner Critic’s addictions. You can realize that everything and everyone around you is your teacher, so you don’t have to keep protecting yourself from the 50% of life that might not go your way.  

When you are intentionally directing your mind to thoughts that create feelings right now of gratitude, appreciation, love, pride, fulfillment, you stop being addicted to certain circumstances NEEDING to be met. While it might be your preference that you make more money, find love, have your business improve, lose weight, when you can already feel good right now, these things don’t occur as needs. And when they don’t occur as needs, they don’t cause as much inner churning and unhappiness as they currently do. 

If you are feeling more peace, balance, joy, and love right now, you may be more inclined to take actions that are from a place of inner wisdom and alignment with your authentic self. And those actions may actually cause the external circumstances of your life to shift in the direction that you would prefer. But not because you NEED them to go in that direction in order to be at peace. You can be at peace right now!

When you are already at peace you feel better. And you get your focus off of lack and put your focus on what already is working. And the more you do that, the more you generate more positive feelings internally. And more positive internal feelings generate more positive actions. And more positive actions cause changes in your relationship with yourself, with the people in your life, and change life itself. This is exactly how your thoughts dictate your reality.

Basically, what I am saying is that your head creates your world!!! So choose who is ruling your head: Your Inner Critic or YOU?


Is Your Inner Critic Keeping You From Success?

Find out what your Inner Critic is saying to sabotage your success and how you can move past her limiting beliefs. 


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