How My Inner Critic Is Addicted to My Self Worth

podcast self esteem Jan 07, 2020

Can't listen? Here's the transcript: 

Hey Dethroners!  This is the first podcast of 2020, the year of clarity--2020 vision.  I am so excited about all of the unknown developments that are going to be happening this year and even in this decade. I know that 2019 was a really pivotal year for me and I know also know it was for a lot of you listening to this podcast.

It feels like there is a shift beginning to happen, where more and more people are wanting to learn how to live life from a higher consciousness where we are living life with a more open heart. We are able to more fully love ourselves and love others and we stop living our lives out of fear and protection.

I practice the DYIC tools every day because it is the structure that allows me to live a more joyful and peaceful life where I am more accepting of myself and of others. I am letting go of my attempts to try to predict, control, or force so many parts of my life. And I for one am thrilled to be on this journey with so many of you.

Every single day, I am becoming a different person as I continue to examine the ways in which my old, conditioned mind gets in my way and I continue to surrender my old addictions of thinking. 

Let me explain what I mean by addictions of thinking: An addiction is any desire that makes you unhappy or upset if it is not satisfied. It is the way that your automatic mind has been programmed by your Inner Critic, beginning early on in your life. It is the uncomfortable emotional responses in life like anger, worry, jealousy, or fear that occur when your desire is not fulfilled.

Either you desire things to be happy or you avoid things to ward off unhappiness. But either way, you are attempting to control your external world. So every time I am inwardly stirred into my predictable and uncomfortable emotional responses (like fear, inadequacy, shame, or attachment) that is my life warning me to surrender my addiction every time I am uncomfortable in any way. 

So my addictions are things like needing to be loved or important or to prove myself.  So even if my addiction might bring me pleasure, if I don’t recognize it as my addiction, the pleasure is usually short-lived.  If I have accomplished something really huge, like the book I will be releasing this year, I can feel really good about that. But if I need that accomplishment in order to feel good, that is from my Inner Critic addictive mind.  

Because then I will need the next accomplishment so I can feel important and valued.  And I will also need to ward off any perceived threats that might trigger me into feeling unimportant and not valued.  And I will worry that there might be changes to my life that will somehow deprive me of that pleasure that I get when I feel loved, valued and important. And then I will compare today’s feelings of value and importance with yesterday’s feelings of value and importance and find that maybe today’s pleasure isn’t as satisfying as yesterday’s pleasure...and then I will need to find something that will fulfill that feeling that I had yesterday. 

So essentially what that roller coaster ride of addiction does is knock me out of living my life in the here and now. All of this addictive thinking is the result of my Inner Critic. She is ALL about trying to find the next thing that will make me feel loved and valued. And that is a huge price to pay for happiness--to be on the hamster wheel and always running toward the next accomplishment or the next way that I can feel loved and valued.  Now, of course, I LIKE to feel loved and important, don’t get me wrong! But if I can distinguish this as a preference, rather than a NEED, then I don’t have the same addictive attachment to it. I don’t get so inwardly twisted when life doesn’t fit the ideal picture that my Inner Critic says it needs to.

Your Inner Critic and all of its thinking is based on this pleasure and pain automatic programming from your past. Your Inner Critic has created this programming.  So your Inner Critic thinking, which is the automatic thinking that began when you were young, generates your feelings about all of the experiences you are having in your life.

Your Inner Critic is like a master controller that directs what emotion you will be triggered into-- anger, sadness, fear, disappointment, frustration. And your Inner Critic also chooses exactly how you are going to react to the people and the things around you. Because when your Inner Critic has you focused on what you desire and what you fear (all in an attempt to make you happy) you get that feeling of urgency when there is a threat that life won’t give you what you desire, and will instead give you what you fear. 

When you are unaware that you have an Inner Critic who has been controlling your mind, this is when you continue to live out the same drama in your life over and over again. And you go through life with the same daily patterns of either desiring or rejecting people and things. It is totally automatic.

I have worked with clients that have been struggling in relationships where their emotional needs have never been met because the other person isn’t capable of meeting those needs. But their Inner Critic's addictions have kept them holding on, waiting for that person to turn into a different human being. After we work together, they wake up to the fact that they have an Inner Critic that is addicted to getting their needs met from the outside world instead of fulfilling them in this very moment from their inner selves. Then, they are more able to see their habitual thoughts, feelings, and actions with some clarity. 

When you have that clarity, and then someone does or says something that you don’t like, you can begin to see how it is your Inner Critic that assigns the meaning that makes you upset. And now when you wake up to that, you can begin to realize that there is actually a way to reprogram a new mind so you can experience more peace, balance, and joy in your life right now...instead of trying to force life to meet your attachments so you can be happy.

So as soon as you are aware of the uncomfortable feelings, you can start to pinpoint what is the thought that is creating the uncomfortable feeling. You can actually begin to shorten the amount of time that you are experiencing negative emotions because when you get triggered into negative emotions, you can strengthen your ability to see that you are the one that is responsible for the emotion--not the people or the circumstances of your life.

You can begin to take back control of your Inner Critic's programming in your mind, and then even practice using every instance where you are inwardly disturbed, as an opportunity to show you more of the repetitive and addictive thinking.  Here are some ways that I practice breaking free from the addictive thinking of my Inner Critic:

  1.  I practice letting go of my addiction to attempt to control situations and people in my life which keeps me from loving myself, having gratitude for my life and having fulfilling relationships with the people that I love.  For me, my addiction gets triggered by trying to control the choices my kids make or the direction that my business is heading in. Every time I am thinking about how the future will go, this is my addiction. All I have control over is right here, right now.  
  2. I am willing to observe when and where my addictions get triggered, what people and situations trigger them, and I observe my Inner Critic try to change the world of people and situations around me to create my peace and happiness.
  3. I welcome these opportunities, even if they are painful, so I can reprogram my mind and be liberated from the habitual emotional patterns that my Inner Critic inflicts on me daily.
  4. I remember that I have everything I need NOW to enjoy my life, and I will not let my mind be dominated by my Inner Critic's focus on the past (which no longer exists) or the future (which is only imagined).
  5. I take full ownership of everything I experience because it is my Inner Critic's programming that creates my thoughts, which create my feelings, which create my actions.
  6. I fully accept myself and practice only living in the here and now.
  7. All of my automatic reactions (my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors) are a necessary part of my growth and development, so I forgive myself when I am triggered into unhealthy patterns of thought, feeling, and action.  
  8. I accept that others are also impacted by their Inner Critic minds.  Therefore, I have love and compassion for the problems that other people are struggling with and do not get caught up in the emotional reactions that they need for their own growth.  This comes in handy, especially when dealing with certain family members who are easily triggered.
  9. I attempt to remain tuned in, centered, and self-love, but when I am not, I avoid taking action from my triggered Inner Critic mind.  
  10. I am continually checking in with my Inner Critic mind so as to continue to calm my inner disturbance that my Inner Critic attempts to whip up.

And I am passionate about everyone living a life with this entirely new mind because when you do, your life fundamentally shifts.  Things that were previously problematic in your life you can now see as exactly what you need in order to let go of your Inner Critic thoughts and rewire the new programming of a new mind. 

In order to truly change your life, you need to be willing to think differently from how you feel.

That's why I collected some of my favorite resources and trainings to create an owner's manual for your mind. Want access? Tell us where to send your log-in details! 

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