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There is No Such Thing as a Relationship

relationship Jun 07, 2019

It is not uncommon to hear people describe their relationship as a thing.  You might label your relationship as “good” or “bad”. You might say, “my relationship is boring” or might label it as exciting.  


Here’s what you need to realize: Your relationship is not a thing.


There is no such thing as a relationship. Instead, we’re interconnected in a million different ways with those we care about. When you focus more on how you exist in connection with your loved ones, you stop labeling and start improving the quality of those connections. You realize your “relationship” is nothing more than a series of interactions.


Here are three ways that you can improve your interactions today:

  1. Choose your actions like you choose what to wear to an important event.


Spend as much time discovering great ways to create wonderful moments with your loved one as you would getting ready for an important interview. You wouldn’t show up to an interview for an office wearing shorts and flip flops, would you? Don’t show up for time with your boyfriend or girlfriend with drama or anger planned and expect a good result.


It is embedded in our culture to speak about our relationship as though our relationship is a fixed thing. What constitutes your relationship with anyone is nothing more than a series of actions at any given moment.  We have thoughts and feelings about our relationship, that we allow to determine how we ACT towards this person. And it is our actions, and the actions of our partner, that constitute the relationship.


For example, “Karen” wants a romantic dinner with her boyfriend but he doesn’t know that. Instead of expecting her boyfriend to read her mind “Karen” sets the table with candles, puts on mood music and cooks their favorite foods to surprise her boyfriend when he gets home. It is up to her partner on how to receive this romantic dinner.


Remember that your actions toward your partner, and theirs toward you, are what constitute your relationship. Behave in ways you want your relationship to “be”.

  1. Be intentional with your loved ones. Decide to be loving and connected regardless of your emotions.


What if instead of allowing your thoughts and feelings to determine how you act in your relationship you could learn to allow your intention and commitment to determine how you act?  This is easier said than done. If you were to take this on, you’d have to be willing to remain loving and connected, even if you are angry, upset or disappointed. Why is it that when we get upset, our loving and connected actions toward our partner tends to fly out the window?


When something happens that would normally make you angry, upset or disappointed, take a breath and try to remain loving and connected to your partner. Allow your intention and commitment to determine how you act.


  1. Pay attention to the little things.

When we lead busy lives tending to careers and children, we don’t even pay attention to how to cultivate the kind of relationship we want.  Rather, we often go through life on autopilot and end up living a “divide and conquer” existence, in which there is little to no attention paid to actions that will foster the love and connection that we crave. After all, many people tend to overlook the fact that the quality of our lives is really determined by the quality of our relationships.


Especially when life gets busy, don’t forget to use actions that will foster the love and connection that you crave with your partner. This will create a quality of life that makes every day good.

Go deeper and self-reflect


I invite you to examine whether you might be preventing the possibility of a deeper, more connected relationship with someone you love, just by the way you interact with them.  Are you stuck in being right about the fact that it is your partner that needs to be more of this or less of that? Most of us can relate to this attitude. But consider this…. At any given moment, you have the power to shift what’s happening in your relationship by shifting who YOU’RE being, not by trying to change the other person.

The bottom line is this:  pay attention to your actions in your relationship.  Do your actions align with the actions that would create an extraordinary relationship, or do your actions align with someone who wants to be right and make someone else wrong?


Do you have any thoughts on this? Do you want to share something that helps you live a happier life or encourages a better relationship with your partner? I would love to hear from you!


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