5 Ways To Prevent Your Inner Critic From Wreaking Havoc On Your Relationship

relationships Oct 25, 2017

Your Inner Critic is that voice yacking away your whole life constantly telling you what you have to fix, change and perfect. She's constantly speaking to you and chances are you continue to listen to it, never understanding that this is where much of the suffering in your life originates.

Your Inner Critic says that if you just keep trying harder and harder to get better and better, you will get to a point where you finally feel like everything is perfect.

The problem is that no matter what you have accomplished, achieved, changed or fixed, the Inner Critic is always there telling you what’s next to fix or change.

The impact of this voice does not just take its toll on your relationship with yourself, but can also wreak havoc on your relationships with your loved ones. Because our Inner Critic constantly makes us feel inadequate, we tend to look toward our partner as a way to make us feel good about ourselves.

At the beginning of a relationship, it is pure bliss. Our partner makes us feel truly valued, accepted and loved. They love us, despite our faults and flaws. This is what “falling in love” is all about.

But when the relationship matures, real life sets in. Our partners inevitably see things they don’t like about us (as we do in them). If we rely on our relationship to make us feel good about ourselves, this is a recipe for disaster!

It certainly feels great to be accepted and loved by our partner, but at the end of the day, if we don’t first find this acceptance of ourselves, we will always be triggered when our partner does not meet our expectations.

Here are 5 ways to prevent your Inner Critic from wreaking havoc:

1. Practice self compassion every day. 

Take five minutes in the morning to notice the areas of your life where you have high expectations. Ask yourself this question every morning before you start your day: “ Where in my life can I bring kindness and compassion to myself?”

Sit quietly for 5 minutes in stillness and wait for the answer to come to you. If you make this a morning ritual, you will begin to notice a pattern in the areas that you are most self critical.

2. Ask yourself: “Where in my relationship am I most critical?

Notice where you're blaming your partner instead of bringing kindness and compassion to your partner. No one is perfect--and sometimes when our partners are forgetful or act selfishly we want to blame our partner for making us feel the ways that we feel.

Can you take responsibility for your feelings and recognize that your partner might not be intentionally trying to make you feel that way?

3. When you are triggered, use your feelings as a way to see where you need to heal from within.

Ask yourself where you can stop blaming your partner for how you feel. Notice how the feelings you're experiencing are feelings you've felt throughout your life. In order to have the connected relationships that we really want, we need to first feel connected to ourselves.

4. Instead of being angry at your partner, can you find a way to meet a need within yourself first?

Are you are craving validation, acceptance, or love? Is there something you can do or say to yourself that would meet these needs?

5. If your partner is expressing something to you that makes you upset, can you consider your partner’s point of view?

Where can you take responsibility for your own way of being that might be causing your partner to feel the way that they do? Instead of becoming defensive, when we validate what our partner is feeling it creates a healthier dynamic in the relationship.

 

The more frequently you can utilize these five tips, the more you can create a relationship in which your expectations are more realistic both for yourself and your partner. This keeps your Inner Critic from interfering with your relationship, creating a more loving and connected partnership.

In order to truly change your life, you need to be willing to think differently from how you feel.

That's why I collected some of my favorite resources and trainings to create an owner's manual for your mind. Want access? Tell us where to send your log-in details! 

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